Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Noah Pozner: circles of love

A dear friend of mine just baked these breads in Noah's memory. Here is the message she sent with the pictures: "You have written of the girls weaving the past, present and future, of Noah's love of bread, and how Noah has been weaving around you a circle of love such as you have never seen or believed possible...Thinking of these things, I wanted to bake a bread in honor of Noah and your family - I tried to bake woven circles of love. The first is six circles, woven together, one circle each for Veronique, Danielle, Michael, Sophia, Noah and Arielle. The second is a five-strand braid, fashioned as a circle of love, one strand for each grandchild."
I love both these breads: not only are they gorgeous but they are powerful symbols for what binds a family together. I love the way the dough rose and filled out the hollow parts on the first one, blurring out the void between the circles. I also love it that on the second one, Noah is woven tightly in with his brother and sisters. Thank you so very much, my baking friend. I will respect your wishes and not reveal your name on this blog but you are truly an artist, not to mention an amazing baker, and should be admired and honored as such!
Last night at the dinner table, Sophia - who despises pickles as much as her brother loved them or, as she puts it, loves them - took a bite of a pickle and passed it around: "Everyone take a bite for Noah!" I didn't follow the pickle trail around the table. It didn't find its way to me (I suspect it was hijacked by another pickle aficionado.) I was busy thinking of Sophia, a girl who knows perfectly well what she likes and dislikes and is very particular about what she puts in her mouth. Pickles never made the cut. Yet here she was, initiating a pickle love-in. Losing a loved one -especially a young one for whose disappearance nothing has prepared us- seems to change everyone. It changes everything too, both in small ways and in big ones.
Newtown was given tickets to Disney on Ice last Saturday and all families were invited: we took the girls. They seemed to enjoy it, especially the replay of The Little Mermaid and Toy Story, but beyond the twirling of flashing batons and the obligatory slurping of purple ice slush in blinking plastic cups, who really knows? I thought Sophia looked exhausted, maybe by the self-imposed obligation to have a good time for the grown-ups' sake.
I know that for us it was rough: first of all there were many more intact families than victim families and while it was wonderful to see so many kids, it was also a heartbreak not to count among them Noah nor any of the nineteen six- and seven-year olds who were taken away on December 14. Secondly there was the noise which was harsh and cacophonous at time, maybe because of the acoustics of the arena. Thirdly and worst of all (at least for me, I don't know if others were affected the same way as I didn't dare broach the subject afterwards), there was twice a mock battle between the forces of good and the forces of evil. The forces of good lost and crumpled to the ice. It took a nanosecond before they sprang up again as good as new and went on with their lives but the harm was done: I could hardly breathe from grief.
If Disney has that effect (and there were no guns involved), I can only imagine the hundreds of movies and other forms of entertainment that have suddenly become off-limits to us. And what does it say about human nature in general and our society in particular that violence and death are routinely considered entertaining? I am not ready to try and look for answers yet but one day I know I will. Meanwhile I concentrate on the family and take it one day at a time, finding extraordinary comfort in the circles of love, big and small, that keep us going.

49 comments:

  1. MC, you and your family are surrouned by a circle of love that I am not quite sure you understand the strength of just quite yet. When you and your daughter are ready to start looking for solutions and answers, it will be then that you will see the
    strength in numbers. You are all loved.

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    1. I could not agree more ...I go from sadness to anger knowing all the while that the families are to deep in their loss to think of anything but the loved ones they have lost and the family they still have , but please know we are all here like an army of mommies ready to be called up for duty when the time is right ! Much love to Noah and his family ..

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    2. Absolutely...sadness to anger.

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    3. For some of us it has already begun. I was had the opportunity to protest at a gun show over the weekend. My sign just simply read "IF IT HAD BEEN ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IN NEWTOWN, CT, WOULD YOU BE HERE TODAY?"

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    4. I too will look for ways to use my anger and despair to try to make a difference. We owe it to these families and to our own to become vocal and stand up for change. Every time I see Noah' s beatutiful face I cry and I know I'm not the only one. MC, you write beautifully and I thank you for sharing with us. I think of your family everyday.

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    5. I thought I was the only one still crying every time I saw his face ( outside his family and loved ones of course ) until I found all of you and I am so thank full to have this right Now.Thank you to MC for sharing a part of Noah with us. Much love for Noah and his Family.

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    6. I too go back and forth between anger and complete sadness for these children and their families. For me personally, as a mom of 4 kids, it is just heartbreaking and I can't even begin to imagine the pain these families are going through. I think of Noah and his family daily and pray for them constantly. Thank you MC for your beautiful, honest posts. Hugs to you.

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  2. Dear MC

    With all my heart I wish that I could turn back time and make this all go away. It would be ridiculous for me to even think I could imagine what you and your family are going through or offer you any meaningful words that would ease your pain but I truly wish you the gentlest of journeys along this river of sorrow.

    Noah has touched me in such a profound way and even in the sorrow I feel I am thankful to him and you and your family to share a little piece of this beautiful boy. He surely was and continues to be-wonderful.

    You honour your daughter, her family and Noah with your beautiful insights. How lucky they are to have you.

    My kindest regards,

    Lisa H

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  3. Dear MC,

    I have never felt such pain for a complete stranger as I do for you and your family. I never read or post on blogs, but somehow I stumbled upon your blog. Just wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you and your family are in my thoughts. I am a mother of a 4 yr old boy and twin 1 yr old twin girls. This world is such a sad and broken world, but yet we find hope. I pray that your family will find strength to heal, while never forgetting little Noah. He will always be in my thoughts.

    Best regards,
    S

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  4. What exquisite bread, what a powerful symbol! Tell the baker that I am very moved by her beautiful bread. Hugs all around. Teresa

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  5. I went to a movie this weekend, there was a gun scene. I had to turn away and keep from crying. I think December 14 may have adjusted the sensitivity level (or lack of) for many people (I know it has for me), I have never intentionally watched movies with gun violence, but now one scene is too many to justify what would have otherwise been a good movie.

    Love and prayers to you and your loved ones. My heart hurts for you.

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    1. I have been feeling the same way .This tragedy has made me more sensitive to violence . I am sure this will be the change we need . It is hard to look at the faces of all those loving children and not say enough is enough .."for the greater good" . Peace and love to Noah and his family !

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  6. Beautiful bread!!! Hugs to the baker and u and your family!!!! I couldn't agree more with the last comment guns and violence in movies or games is very hard to watch. My prayers and thoughts go out to u and your family.

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  7. M.C., What beautiful symbolism in the braids of the bread. I feel the deep love and longing for little Noah in each of your posts. As a humanity by collectively valuing violance as entertainment we failed those children and teachers on Dec. 14th. Personally, I cannot watch shows with violance and the use of guns any longer. I immediately think of Newtown, those amazing people and the families that are suffering such devastating loss and either change the channel or turn off the TV. Lots of prayer......

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  8. Thank you for sharing your memories of Noah with us. You have honored him greatly with your heartfelt and eloquent words. Every time I see his face I begin to cry. I am grieving these children just like they were members of my own family, although I never met them. When I see beautiful Noah I feel like a masterpiece of historic art was carelessly destroyed and the whole world is now deprived of being able to appreciate it. A line was crossed that terrible day that I never thought would ever be crossed. I feel like a small piece of innocence inside me, that I did not know I still possessed, was destroyed. I will never be the same again. This has changed me. I am a better mommy now. I know that each day with my children could be our last and I appreciate them more. I am taking more pictures of them and really listening to everything they say. I want to memorize them in case the unthinkable should happen. I tell them how much I love them and how special they are to me at least ten times a day. There is now urgency in my devotion to them that was not there before. I think about your family often, you are now forever in my heart. Sending you lots of mommy love from Indiana. God bless you.

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    1. Beautifully said. I cry as well when I see his little face. Love and hugs to you, MC.

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  9. I love the Bread . I wanted to share a littke story with you. Last night i was looking at your pictures of Noah when my 6 yr old son Jackson looked over and asked "who is that boy mommy " I said his name is Noah ,Jackson then said he looks like a lot of fun can I invite him to my birthday Party" (his birthday is not until september but you know those little boys are always thinking when and where they may get a cool new toy ). I told jackson we would talk closer to his birthday not having the heart to tell him about Noah , then right before bed out of the blue jackson asked if you still get cake and gifts on your birthday in heaven .I told him of course you do and he smiled and said good that makes me happy . I thought I would share . Sending prayers of peace and comfort your way .

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  10. I continue to send my love to your family, you, and our little Noah <3

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  11. I love this picture of Noah. When I look at it, it represents to me everything in this world that is love, innocence and trust. MC I am so sorry that we, a society of entitlement, let him down. My heart is broken in so many pieces it has been reduced to granuals. Oh, how I wish that I had the power to change all of this.

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    1. I feel the same way. I also feel that we as a society let all victims down. School is supposed to be one of the safest place. Yet all this happened there. I am now afraid to leave my kids in school fearing what may happen. As a mom, I would never give gun toys to either my kids or any kids. My son would ask me if he could have them but my response would be "no. We don't like guns remember. Guns are not good." But our society feels otherwise. I just hope that one day people will realise the damage that it causes.

      Love the bread. This may be your first Noah bread. My prayers are with you all every day. ALso seeing all the kind gestures gives me hope. I know there is more good in this world than evil.

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  12. Such beautiful breads - what a kind gesture from your friend. They look too good to eat - but I hope you and your family will enjoy them and think about your sweet Noah and how much he would have enjoyed them too.

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  13. What an amazingly beautiful and powerful symbol that even death cannot break the bond between loved ones. Your gorgeous angel face has never left you, physically he is not there, but spiritually, he is now always with you. I feel blessed and grateful to know so much about your beautiful gift of a grandson and to feel such a connection with him. I just love looking at his perfect cherub face. My friend on Staten Island makes soy candles, she is from Finland and has introduced me to these spiritual healing candles -- they have helped me tremendously. I light one every day for Noah and the rest of the angels, as well as for you and the rest of the families. Each candle has a beautiful saying on it....I would love to send you a few if they would provide a small sense of comfort...anything to bring you a little peace. When you light them, you will feel Noah's energy and light surround you. :) Sending constant love, light, and prayers.

    Lauren XOXOXOXOXOXO

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  14. By the way, no matter how much of my expensive Dior $30 mascara I glob on my lashes, they cannot compare to those amazing eyelashes of your grandson's. What irresistible eyes! I can picture him batting them away getting whatever he wanted. ;)

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  15. Dear MC,

    I think of your little Noah every day. I read your blog and send smiles & hugs to you all from far away. You can feel the circles of love formed around you all and these circles of course, include Noah, who I imagine to be satisfied somehow, experiencing his new dimension with the natural curiosity of a 6 year old boy, while knowing his family are loved, cared for and watched over by so many of us who care.
    I have wanted to do something practical to help, to contribute something tangible as well as sending my message to you & telling Noah I think he is just the type of soul my kids would immediately befriend & invite in for a romp of ninja-meets-pirate-meets-Jedi knight with lots of furniture-eering ( a much frowned upon type of climbing in these parts!)
    So, I would like to send your youngest granddaughters a couple of books to enjoy. They are some of my kids' Most Requested & as their ages are about the same, I hope they will like them as much as we do. Hopefully they will be stories they have not come across yet. From us to them, and you too.
    Could you please tell me an appropriate address to post to?
    JR

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  16. Once again another beautiful piece. I don't feel that bad now that I see that there are so many of us out there that have been mourning for beautiful Noah. I find comfort in reading your words. I can't even imagine the pain your family is experiencing, because what I alone feel is terrrible and I never heard Noah's voice or held him in a long embrace. Some time back, close to where I live there was a 4 yr old boy that was, taken tragicly from his family by his Mother's ex boyfriend. That also hit me deeply. I met his Mother at his memorial and I expressed that at that time my son was the same age and I couldn't even imagine. She asked me to raise my son to be a good man. I felt a connection with her then that I can't explain. I find that same connection when I read your postings. Thank you for sharing a piece of Noah with us.

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  17. Thank you for continuing to share your beautiful Noah with us. I wish there was a way I could take all your pain away, but I cannot. Every time I think of Noah and your family, I begin to cry and feel so much pain for you. He was a beautiful person and I will continue to pray for your family each and everyday. Please know we are always here to listen and offer our support.

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  18. MC, Today I made a trip into town for one very specific item. I have a charm bracelet I acquired when I was 16. On this bracelet are beads that represent special occurrences in my life. Graduations, the births of my children and so on and so on. Today I added another bead, the sparkly blue one. I wanted to make sure, at least for me, that Noah is never forgotten in my home or in my heart. Thank you for your generosity.

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  19. I thought I was the only one who cried at these pictures and stories, and like others, I wish there was something, anything, I could do to ease the hurt for you and your family. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Noah, that I don't wish I could undo all of this for you. Thank you again for sharing him with us. I hope it brings you as much comfort as it gives. Hugs to you.

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  20. MC,Thank you so much for sharing your Noah with us. I have a 6 year old grandson and I thank God everyday for my 3 grandchildren. The picture that I first saw of Noah was the one, where I believe someone had taken him to a book fair. One day, recently, I enlarged the picture. And, here and behold, he was holding a Star Wars book. My grandson's name is Luke, after Luke Skywalker. Yes, I would hope it would have been after the book of the Bible. My son-in-law and Luke are Star Wars fanatics. His next bedroom decor is going to be Star Wars. As far as violence in movies, I didn't think much of the Disney movies being violent when my daughters were young,but now that my grandkids watch them I can hardly take it. There is a bad, main person in each one of them! But,of course, Disney and Pixar, etc. make it all a happy ending. And that's what we're all suppose to remember. I sit at their house and watch the crap they watch and I say "out loud", it's no wonder there are so many crazies in this world. But, no one listens to me. All, I feel, I can do is pray that I have a better influence on them and that God is watching over them. I'll never understand December 14, 2012 as long as I live. But, I do hope and pray that your family can find some sort of peace. Your faith is a blessing,not all have. We are human, after all. And we'll always ask why. May the peace of God be with you all!

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  21. Sometimes I hate our American culture... the fascination with violent movies. Some of them I even like if the overall story glorifies goodness rather than evil. Not so sure I can handle it anymore though. I saw two movies recently that left me thinking about the Newtown kids more than the movie I just watched. One of them was Les Miserables, two scenes in particular, which I will not go into detail about here. The other was Rise of the Guardians. My advice is to steer clear of this movie, even though the end has a good lesson. I was so disturbed and disappointed that I had taken my 7 and 8 year old to see it. On normal occasions I think I would have been kind of irritated by what I saw, but because of my heightened sensitivity and grief re: what happened on Dec. 14, I was in tears as I went to the restroom right after the movie was over. It seems everything reminds me of the horror. We are a fallen world. I hope we, as a society, can and will change. One by one, family by family.

    Love the bread and so happy for you that you have loving friends who care so deeply about you.
    Pleasanton, CA

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  22. Thank you for sharing with us and for sharing a bit of your Noah. While I'll never claim to know your grief, please know that I am grieving with you. If there was anything I could do to relieve your pain please know that I would do it. I find strength in your strength and the other families, you are truly amazing.

    Love from Michigan

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  23. The bread that your talented friend made is absolutely gorgeous, MC! Love the symbolism behind it. Beautiful.

    I'm so sorry for the unexpected waves of grief you face daily. I'm praying so hard that it gets easier for all of you to ride them out. ((Hugs))

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  24. Those loaves are absolutely gorgeous. I can barely braid my hair if I tried, so I'm in awe of those weaving talents!

    I can't imagine the walls of grief that you all run into everyday. Just know that we're all here continuing to think and pray for you guys, for what it's worth. Also, I think this may be my favorite picture of Noah yet. What a precious boy.

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  25. This is going to sound very odd, maybe ironic, but your blog is helping me heal from the events of December 14 a little bit every day. I live in Cleveland, Ohio and I've never met any of the victims or the members of their families. Yet, I feel such sorrow for everyone connected with all the families in Newtown. Noah's picture was the one that drew me in first and most powerfully. I have a 7-year-old son in first grade and I cannot begin to fathom how I would deal with the loss you and your family have suffered. I could NEVER thank you enough for your courage and generosity in sharing your thoughts, feelings, and photos of Noah with strangers so soon.

    Although I wasn't born until the first anniversary of JFK's assassination (my birthday is two days after Noah and his sister's), reading your blog reminds me a bit of the role Jackie Kennedy played in 1963. She was so strong in leading the entire country in its grief, even as she and her children were suffering an incredibly-devastating, personal loss first hand. Noah must be so proud of his family and of the way they have opened their hearts to the many, many people who have come to know and love him.

    As for me, I will remember Noah always and I will do something especially kind for someone else on his birthday every year until I have the good fortune to meet him in the afterlife. My love goes out to all who love him.

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  26. It made me very angry on reading the more graphic details of what Noah had endured from his Mothers words to a Rabi via a newspaper online yesterday, it was worse than I initially thought and I was in crying non-stop after reading it. It made me very angry and still does how that evil pig of a male could do such a thing to these innocent victims who were so full of love and surrounded by it. It makes me feel even worse that we can't undo it and make it not happen, or bring them back. R.I.P dearest Noah for you are very much loved, I love you, and I am so sorry for what happened to you and the other angels, it is so unfair. I sent a message to the white house for President Obama yesterday with the link from that paper I had read on Noah, and said he must do something about this gun problem in the US right now, not tomorrow, and banning guns by making them illegal to own or possess is the only way to do this, as there are too many gun loving people down there to change this problem for the better any other way, this is the only way to do it because by not giving them the option of owning a gun they have to comply with the law, and at least this can be prevented from happening again, and it was already too late when this awful tradgedy occurred to Noah. Still crying here. X

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  27. http://www.inquisitr.com/469181/noah-pozners-mom-describes-newtown-victims-body-and-why-we-should-all-listen/

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  28. Nice to hear how so many have reached out to your family. So many care and want to help. Hope that helps some.

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  29. Hello MC. I am not sure if you actively check the facebook account linked to your blog but if not I thought I would mention that I opted to privately message you on there today. xx

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  30. Another lovely post. I have never felt so much pain and heartache or shed as many tears for someone I did not know as I have for Noah. I find myself thinking of him constantly throughout the day and will go to the FB page or come here and see a picture of this sweet boy and I lose it again. Then I tell myself I need to stop reading and looking at the pictures. But I can't because to me it feels like I am sort of honoring him by reading about him and getting to know who this beautiful boy is. And that is what I want to do.. I want to honor him by learning about him. I watch my two boys play and my mind wanders to sweet Noah.. he has a hold on my heart and it is my goal to never let that hold go. I pray every night for Noah and for your entire family.
    Christine

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  31. My heart goes out to you and your family...thank you for sharing Noah and your thoughts and grief. He is such a beautiful child and his photos are so alive. You are so lucky to have had such a child in your midst...no parent or grandparent should have to ever lose a child or grandchild. I hope as time goes on you will find some peace with your family...much love. lorette

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  32. In an interview with your daughter, I read how she had had the angle stones placed in Noah's hands .( I am amazed by her courage in that interview). I did not know what an angle stone is, so I looked it up. They are so beautiful. It gave me an idea. In March I will join 3000 on site runners in Danbury CT, and who knows how many "virtual" runners online in a 5k race to raise money for Sandy Hook. I got an angle stone for each child and adult to carry in a back pack during the race. I know it is not the most extraordinary gesture, or even a moderately sized one, and maybe I should have donated that money, But I am going to travel to this race from almost 2 hours away and carry those stones because I need to do it, as much for myself, as to express my support of you and your family and all the families of Newtown. And as I have already said, I think those stones will carry me as I carry them. We all strive for your attention to comfort ourselves, but the unfairness of why we now so suddenly need to know you strikes at my heart. I hope that you truly do find comfort from us as well.

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  33. What a beautiful boy my heart hurts every day and I have shed many tears for sweet Noah, I feel very connected to him and Ur family for some reason. I wish I could bring him back and since I can't possibly do that I wish I could lesson Ur pain. No parent, grandparent, or family member should never have to lose a child especially in such a horific way. I am so sorry for Ur loss again I wish in the Grace of god that I could bring him back. U all are in my thoughts and prayers and I vow to never FORGET Noah he is to special of a boy to forget. I will always think of him!!

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  34. What a wonderful idea those breads. The work your friend put into it shows her love. You are gifted.

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  35. I wish I could offer bread; that was very thoughtful and obviously comforting. I offer love and prayers from Australia. You are all in my thoughts.

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  36. MC, another thoughtful posting, with the cute photo of your angelic Noah. I was never blessed with children, but if I had, I would want them to look like Noah. His spirit jumps off of the page and is infectious. He has touched the hearts of so many.

    I am trying to do everything, in the children's memory, to contact legislators and activists to change public policy. I know that it won't bring back your precious grandson, Noah, but I want to honor his memory and that of the other lovely children.

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  37. Hello. I haven't posted in awhile, so forgive me if I am in the wrong place. I am looking for a good source for bread flour in bulk. anyone? sscasagrande@yahoo.com if you can email me privately. thank you.

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  38. After Dec 14 our family together threw out the video games that my boys played that were gun related. They did not complain or question the decision. I challenge others to do the same. All my love to you and your family.

    Leslie

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  39. MC
    We will always grieve for you, and will stand and fight with you.
    ML

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