Sunday, January 6, 2013

Noah Pozner: icebergs and shooting stars

In a comment yesterday, someone asked for news of the rest of the family: while I appreciate the concern and can relate to the wish to know, to that person I can only say, sadly: close your eyes, reach inside you and imagine a child, a sibling, a grandchild, a nephew, any child you love, being violently taken away from you forever. Then you'll know how we are doing and you won't need me to tell you. We are hanging in there with the love and support of family, friends and the community at large. There is nothing else to say.
"Sophia and Arielle ♥ Noah": Arielle colored this little bear with the attached marker the other day. When I saw what she wrote, my heart skipped a beat. She and Sophia are keeping Noah alive in ways that may be unavailable to us grown-ups. They are showing us a path forward. We may not be able to follow them yet but we can watch in hope and wonder.
Yesterday the overhead light started flickering in the living room (it had never flickered before or if it had, we had never noticed it). Sophia looked up and said: "Noah is playing with the light again. Stop it, Noah! We know it's you." She and Arielle giggled. The flickering stopped. They resumed working on their Lego set. I am not saying they don't miss their "real" brother. They do. Very much. They too harbor icebergs of grief in their hearts and we only see the very tips. But because of children's natural resilience, there is more sunshine on their ice floes than on ours and that sunshine feels like a gift.
One of us grown-ups saw a shooting star last night: glowing in front, it left behind a reddish trail against the dark sky. It only lasted a second. The wonder wasn't so much the comet itself (which other people saw as well) as the walking out of the house and looking up at the sky at just the right time. Noah at work again? It sure felt like it. But was it? That's what we grown-ups can never be sure of. Hoping against all doubt that it was indeed a sign, we are still left with the harsh fact that a comet can never replace a little boy snuggling against you or stomping through the house with a ninja sword.








22 comments:

  1. Don't you wish you knew how the after-life worked? Then we would know for sure if it was our little ones letting us know that all is not only well but so good for them.

    When our little one was about to leave the world, she patted my hand and said, "it's okay mommy, the angels are here in the room to take me. I have to go with them." Then she took a few more shallow breaths and was gone.

    I share this to share with you that although she had spent days in a coma while her body tried to fight the cancer, before she left she was lucid enough to let us know that there were angels in her hospital room and she saw them and was being called to go.

    Could a 5 year old make that up? Perhaps. But I think not. I believe that indeed the Angels were sent by God to escort her from this life to heaven.

    Please know that I believe angels were with all of these children the moment the tragedy was happening and escorted them straight to heaven.

    As I pray this morning for all of you families by name, I am praying that Alexandra met Noah already and that they are having silly amounts of fun together up in heaven. I am praying that today each of you find something to smile about through the grief for in smiles we find hope to continue. I am praying that Noah's life continues to be a vibrant and clear lesson to you and others on how to live - vibrantly and passionately. And today, because none of that comes easy or without time and this is so new, I am praying that the God of all comfort does just that - provide you each a measure of comfort for your brokenheartedness.

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    1. Anch'io credo nei segni ..sentire la tua storia mi songe a parlare anche della mia ... Ester la mia prima bambina morta per un cancro al cervello mi ha dato tanti segni durante la sua malattia . Una sera eravamo solo io e lein nella cameretta dell'ospedale . Ester aveva degli occhi molto grandi e scuri con ciglia lunghissime (mi ricorda Noah)... si fermò dal gioco che stava facendo e guardò fisso per tanti munuti sgranando i suoi grandi occhi scuri. Io cercevo di distoglierla ma non ci riuscivo. Tant'è che ad un certo punto dissi "Ester ma che hai visto?" a quel punto lei, sempre tenendo lo sguardo verso quel punto, fece un grande sorriso...meraviglioso, e alzò la sua manina facendo"ciao".... Alla signora MC voglio dire che Noah mi ah preso il cuore. Questa tragedia mi ha molto sconvolto e riaperto la ferita perchè so cosa vuol dire quando un figlio, il tuo bambino, ti viene strappato anche se l'impotenza di una madre nella malattia non è la stessa cosa di quando qualcuno uccide tuo figlio ...nel vostro caso, quello che è successo nel sicuro della vostra scuola per mano di un uomo solo, è infinitamente più tragico ... una strage degli inoocenti... La cosa più giusta l'ha detta suo figlio quando ha detto che tutto questo amore da tutto il mondo dimostra che nel mondo stesso alla fine c'è molto più bontà ... questo è vero...
      Come tutti voi, come Kristine, penso anch'io che si sta vivendo il dolore più grande, a volte insopportabile... i genitori non dovrebbero mai seppellire i propri figli ....
      Sono molto vicina alle famiglie di Newtown e vi seguo ogni giorno per condividere i vostri sentimenti ..
      Vi abbraccio tutte, madri dolorose!!! con molto amore!!!

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  2. I found this bible verse a few days after Dec 14th and it brings me comfort: "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:18) I am sending you a big hug full of peace, hope, strength and love. I hope you can feel it. God bless you, your family, Noah and all his angel friends.

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  3. My heart just hurts for you.
    I believe Noah is flickering the lights and made the Christmas cactus blossom. I believe the girls feel his presence. I believe Noah timed your sky gaze with the shooting star.
    It's not nearly enough, I know.
    Day by day, my dear one.
    Jennifer

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  4. Every photo of Noah is so touching and poignant, his true personality comes through. He seemed like a very sweet boy, very mature and loving for a young child. I wish we had all had the opportunity to get to Noah, you are blessed having spent the time with him.

    Every life is so precious and our humanity is diminished after this heinous, senseless act. Not only for the loss of life and to your family, but what could have been, who they could have become. We will always keep Noah in our thoughts and prayers, as well as his dear family.

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  5. I always tell people I relate to children better then I do adults. Guess that's why I teach little people. Children aren't phoney or mean. They share their love with you freely if you open your heart to them. Thank goodness for that.

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  6. I never meant to hurt your feelings when I asked you about the rest of the family. I feel so angry sometimes thinking about what happened on December 14, 2012 but your posts and memories of little Noah shows me and teaches me a lot about human kindness. I found it very hard to understand how officials were telling everyone that we will move on as a community and as a mother of three I can not accept that either. I came across that the family of the sole survival in Noah's class are suing the state. I know I maybe sound harsh but officials understand "money" language very well and finally our kids won't be so volnarable in the places which should be safest for them. I have a 6 year old that shares the same birthday with Noah and would keep your handsome grandson and his family in my prayers and thoughts forever! With love, Irina Z.

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    1. Irina, thank you for writing back and please don't feel bad. You didn't hurt my feelings. It is just that beyond Noah's terrible loss what I find the hardest to bear is my family's grief. It is so painful and so private I can't talk about it. Since your son and Noah share the exact same birthday, would you mind telling him his first name so I can think of him? Hugs, MC

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    2. I just can not imagine how your family is holding on if I am who is a total stranger feels such a hurt and pain over all that happened. Yesterday I could not complete all my thoughts because I was getting very emotional but want to say it today: as a parent and adult I think we failed to protect all these innocent children. The school was not ready for that situation (no building team response); the police responded only in 10 min when shooter already killed himself. The school is situated in the woodened area as I understand: it should have been a police presence somewhere near the school. My son's name is Joshua and everytime I look at Josh I think of Noah! As a Jewish woman I have candle in Noah's and all the children's memory every Friday and Monday for Noah only! Let them all RIP, and lots of comfort to you and your family! with Love and respect, Irina

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    3. You are so right. As a nation we failed those children and educators. Shame on us. Now we just have to try and figure out how we are going to fix the problem. There is no one simple, single answer. We, unfortunately, live in a very broken society. It is going to be a complex, long road but we must take a stand to keep our children safe. It will never bring back the beautiful children and adults we lost on that fateful day, but is there really a better way to honor those precious lives?

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  7. My family have always been strong believers in signs from loved ones on the other side. A year before I became pregnant with my son, Noah, My husband's grandma came to me in a dream, & told me I would have another child, & it would be a boy. After I had my youngest daughter, my doctor advised me to not have anymore babies, because of the large amount of scarring from my previous c-section. But in my heart, I knew I was meant to have another child. A few months after that dream, an old classmate of mine came to me, & told me I was to have another baby, & it would be a boy. Exactly a year from the first dream, I became pregnant with my Noah Michael. Our loved ones are with us always, & come though in so many different ways. So many in fact, that it's probably impossible for us to catch them all. Thank you for sharing so much with us. You will all be forever in my heart & prayers.♥

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  8. Once again.....thank you. <3

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  9. Thanks for your words. I am sitting here tonight reading them, thinking about my own very mischevious & rambunctious little boys. Such love. Such nuttiness. I am reading your words to remind myself to act. To do whatever I can within my little limited world to advocate for a safer community. Thanks for sharing your Noah with us.

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  10. Thanks for your words. I am sitting here tonight reading them, thinking about my own very mischevious & rambunctious little boys. Such love. Such nuttiness. I am reading your words to remind myself to act. To do whatever I can within my little limited world to advocate for a safer community. Thanks for sharing your Noah with us.

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  11. I know the feeling of losing a loved one, when my mother died 2 years ago 2 weeks after I had my son it was heartbreaking to say the least I visited some dark places, but thinking of her each and everyday and remembering her and how much she loved me and helped through anything, helped me emerge from those dark days. I can not ever imagine the pain your family is going through,with the loss of a child, because not only is there a feeling of loss but, the loss of seeing him grow up the loss of who he would become. I think of your family everyday, Noah has never left my heart, and prayers, I lost hope for humanity and I hope that one day I can restore that hope, but until then I will never forget your little man. I pray everyday that your family can find peace, thank you for sharing with us how wonderful your little Noah is. I wish we got to know his wonderful self through different circumstances. Sending all my sincere love, prayers and wishes of peace to you and your family all the way from Canada.

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  12. MC, I just want to thank you for sharing your beautiful words with the rest of us. As you and your family are a constant on my mind, I just simply have to have a great admitation for you. I see you as the strong thread that is holding your family together
    right now. The surprising thing is that you are doing it with such love, grace and beauty. I am not sure that if under the same
    circumstances that I could walk with such dignity and tact. I think all the mothers who read your blog could learn a thing or two.

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  13. Hang on to those beautiful signs, MC. I know there is no way to "prove" them, but there has to be more to them than just random happenings. There HAS to be.

    I am an avid runner, and I am training for a marathon at the end of January. Since the tragedy, I really do feel like my running has taken on a higher purpose. I can't explain it, really. Part of it is that I am running for those who no longer can. I'm sure you remember Noah running around at some point... hair on fire, free, happy, full of life. I want to honor those children who can't do that anymore.

    I think of those sweet babies on all of my runs now. I think A LOT about Noah as I have a rambunctious, smart as a whip, lego-loving, beautiful blue-eyed, ridiculously long lash-ed, filled with humorous quips little first grader too. Tyler and Noah are kindred spirits. They would have been fast friends who would have been up to no good in the classroom together. Sitting on opposite sides of the room for sure! ;-)

    A couple of weeks ago on mile 14 of a 21 mile run, I turned a corner on a familiar path that I've run too many times to count. That's when I saw, placed atop a pole in the middle of the path, a small green and white knitted cap. Why green and white?? It could have been any other color... It took my breath away. I've never seen *anything* on that pole before. I started crying, and then I ran harder. I've also seen my fair share of shooting stars lately on my early morning runs. I truly never noticed them before, but there they are now. When I see one, I always smile and say, "Hey there, angels."

    If you are interested in reading more about signs, I highly recommend a book called "To Heaven and Back" by Dr. Mary Neal. Dr. Neal believes in the signs too, and having lost her son in a sudden, tragic death, she also understands the grief that your family is experiencing. Maybe it would bring you some additional comfort as your work your way through this dark time. God bless you and your family. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

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  14. I do not know you, so I hope it's not presumptious of me to comment, but I think of your grandson every day now. His sweet face looks so much like my son's, but is, of course, a beauty all Noah's own. I cannot imagine the depths of your sorrow, and my heart goes out to you. About 10 years ago, my grandma, one of my best friends in the world, passed away unexpectedly. On the nighttime flight home from her funeral, I happened to glance up and out the window just as a magnificent comet went sailing across the sky. It was so bright, so sudden, such perfect timing, and seemed so close -- I immediately asked my husband if he saw it, too, because I was afraid that in my bereaved state I'd imagined it. He had. Like you, I wondered if it was some message to me, even though I wasn't the only one to see it. I still take comfort in that moment. I wish for you and your family every and any comfort you can find, and yes, I do believe that comet was more than *just* a comet, and I am glad you had a comet of your own.

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  15. Your tributes to your grandson are beautiful, almost as beautiful as your pictures of him (I, too, will be sad when they run out). My heart aches for your family and especially your daughter (as well as the rest of the affected families) every day, and I continue to read your entries because they move me emotionally, as well as move me to want action to at least try to prevent this from happening again. I think of my own little son as I look at Noah's pictures - his perfect hands, his perfect face, those lashes! - and how completely broken I would be if I were to lose my son so senselessly, so violently. I hope that the knowledge that others are sincerely grieving with you for the life that Noah could have lived and the loss you feel helps spread the grief a tiny bit. I think we all owe it to the children who died to not look away from the horrific pain this has caused and the brutality, and I thank you for sharing your feelings in a way that has enabled me to grieve with you.

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  16. Thanks a lot for all your beautifull sentiments. Having lost a child, I know there are no words in the whole world that can decribe the pain. It has been 8 years and I remember every moment of it. My heart aches when I think of Arielle. Pray that God gives her the strength so she can guide the rest of the family. I feel for you all and also the rest of the families who have lost their loved ones. May God give you the strength and hope that all teh violence stops one day.

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  17. Another wonderful post. I am happy to say that I am crying less for Noah and trying to smile more for the signs and the hope that he is near your family. I trully believe that he is. After my Aunt passed on, who was extremely close to me and my daughter...the light in my daughters room would turn on and off. We knew it had to be her. My Husband said it ws probably a short or a bad connection, but I know it was more. While I still cannot explain why Noah has impacted me so much, I do know that he was meant to touch hearts and will be in mine forver.

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  18. Thank you for sharing your memories of your grandson Noah. Reading them made me feel as if I had always known him. I will always remember his words of wisdom, his exuberant personality, his beautiful smile and his eyes full of love. The killer has put a tragic end to Noah's physical life. However, Noah will spiritually remain forever in our minds and in our hearts - that is something that no act of violence can ever extinguish.

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