Sunday, April 14, 2013

Four months ago today...

... Noah lost his life and we lost him. There will never be any glossing over that. And it will never get easier. That much I know.

But he came back to me in a dream ten days ago: I was playing tag with his twin sister Arielle around a very long oblong table in a nondescript apartment I had never seen before. However hard I tried I couldn't catch up with her and she was laughing and laughing, her long hair swishing around her face as she ran.

Then she stopped and turned. The long hair vanished and I realized it wasn't Arielle I had been chasing all along but Noah.

He was laughing and his eyes were full of light. He looked straight at me and he said: "You can't catch me!" I could see he was poised to start running again if I tried. So I just looked into his shiny eyes and stood there, my heart beating fast.

Then I woke up.

My first reaction was sheer joy: wherever he was. Noah was as active as ever and he was having fun.

Then I thought about what he said. We had just met with the medical team at the hospital regarding my breast cancer and came home with a prognosis and decisions to make. We learned both that there were many reasons to be optimistic and that there were no guarantees.

Noah had come to tell me that I wouldn't be joining him any time soon. He had come to me with the gift of hope.

47 comments:

  1. How lovely to know he stops by, and I sure hope he is right! All the best on your journey, I will keep you in my thoughts.
    I think of Noah every day, and very frequently, I sit down and write all of the children's names down to make sure I don't forget them. Noah is always first on the list.
    Love to you and your family.

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  2. Love love love. I am crying again. MC, Noah is making my bread beautiful. I'm getting a reputation in my neighbourhood for baking great bread. Noah is there with all of us. This little man has left such a legacy of love. Not time to catch him yet.

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  3. My heart still aches for all the families who lost loved ones on that horrific day. It never gets easier, the pain will always be there....some days are easier than others.

    I think it's wonderful that Noah came to you in your dream and gave you that message. It truly means just because our loved ones are not physically here with us, they remain with us in our hearts, in spirit and will continue to watch over and protect us. ♥

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  4. What a powerful dream!!! I am so glad Noah came to you with hope. I wish you luck with your treament and now know you will get through this.
    I am still thinking of all of you on a daily basis. xoxo

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  5. How beautiful MC. Noah Noah Noah. He is having fun and I think he is closer to you than you know. The love never leaves.
    I wish you peace of mind with your decisions about the cancer and peace of heart always.
    X Julia

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  6. MC,

    I am so glad regarding both parts of this post.
    1st and foremost that Noah is still visiting his family. I truly believe in signs and messages from above being the greatest gifts we can receive.
    2nd in being the positive news and outlook regarding your recent cancer diagnosis.

    Sending our love to your family,
    Jennifer

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  7. Dear MC,
    I really loved this post. I know Noah is running and playing up in heaven. I had to put my Jack Russel Terrier down last week after 13+ loving years. It was heartbreaking. He was very loving to my son Noah (2 yrs) I hope he joins your Noah up in heaven for lots of playing fetch. :)
    Wishing you all the best with your health. I was sorry to hear of your recent loss.
    L,
    Kati, Massachusetts

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  8. You won't be catching him, I am totally sure of that, you will have many many years to dream about Noah, and to miss him, which is the sad part. But I know you will be around to brighten up the day of everyone who crosses your path.

    Have a nice trip back, whenever you are flying back to the US... thinking of you...

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  9. I love that...I think of him everyday, and of you....veronique as well...wondering how in this world that u can cope with such of a tragic loss!!! What a beautiful child he was...I'm sure he is really there in your dreams...no doubt about that...he comes to let you know that he is happy...good luck to you and please keep writing...for we will be waiting!!!lots of love from one stranger to another!!!

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  10. Beautiful. I will always remember. Still praying for everyone.
    Noah is engraved in my heart, as you are as well. It hurts, but
    the rewards are just simply beautiful.

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  11. MC, every single day I think about Noah. I don't know why but somehow my mind always comes back to him. I think of how you and your family too. I find inspiration in your words and stories. I wish you the best of luck with your treatment!
    Greta

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  12. Thank you for sharing your dream. I believe in an afterlife and that souls continue on, watching over and guiding us. We have a hard time recognizing them though. Our senses are so overwhelmed with everyday living that their signs are often lost. Your encounter with Noah, his message to you, should be treasured. He obviously loves you dearly. Wishing you safe journeys MC.

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  13. MC, Thank you for staying in touch with us, I do enjoy reading your posts. I was sorry to hear of your diagnosis, all the best of luck in your treatment. Also, the loss of your father-in-law.

    I think of Noah every day, his image is just so uplifting, and yet so sad. I also think and pray for his family, as they are bearing the true burden of this tragic loss. We discuss Noah on facebook, and I find it helpful to remember him in this way. We keep Noah in our hearts and I want you to know that.

    Eileen

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  14. MC, It's hard to believe that it's been 4 months already. I too think about Noah each day and hope he's happy and at peace. It was wonderful to hear that he came to you in a dream, as I often wonder if he has been leaving signs. I'm glad he brought you a message of hope and I continue to wish you and your family nothing but the best. Take care, Liz

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  15. M.C. What a wonderful post- so poignant but yet so hope filled!
    I cannot believe it has been 4 months since our world was tragically altered as it feels much longer that we've lived with heavy hearts.
    Your posts about Noah usually make me cry (such as tonight) but they also provide me with warmth and hope and resilience. Your love for him and all your family always glows through with your talented writing.
    I love that he visits you and I hope he truly is as active as ever in heaven. What a smart boy- giving you hope which is exactly what his grandmother needed!
    Thinking of you and sweet Noah and the rest of the family.
    And lastly, thank you for reminding me once again to be more patient and loving towards my own 6 and 4 year olds. Time is precious.

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  16. MC our loved ones never leave us, they just sometimes move on to eternal life sooner than us. But we will b there someday too and when we get there we get to be together for eternity. Good luck with your treatment MC. I think of Noah daily

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  17. MC - All of my best thoughts, prayers, and love go to you and your family. You are a strong lady and I know that you will beat this. When your time comes, Noah will be there to welcome you. I pray for your family every day and pray for all 26 victims by name every single day. I memorized all 26 names and say them in pray (As Heather said above, I do not want to forget them).

    God Bless all.

    Peace and Love,

    Eric
    Burke VA

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  18. MC,
    I am so glad that Noah comes to you in your dreams and that you can remember them. I think that sweet boy is going to have to wait awhile for his game of tag with his Grandma!
    XOXO,
    Megan

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  19. I have been praying for Noah and your family every day. I will continue to pray for all of you and now especially for you since your diagnosis. Your writing continues to be an inspiration for those who have heavy hearts. God bless you. There are many people there for you in thoughts and prayers.

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  20. I have been praying for Noah and your family every day. I will continue to pray for all of you and especially for you since your diagnosis. Your writing has been an inspiration to many people with heavy hearts. God bless you. There are many people there for you in thoughts and prayers.

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  21. Dear MC,
    when I woke up this morning, first thing was how is your brest result.
    I make my alarm clock few minutes earlier, as my cat comes to me when the alarm wakes me up.
    Than she knows we will leave her alone for some time and she demands attention & caress.
    Somehow I mised the date, April 14th. It was kind of a busy sunday. First moments fith spring flowers, spring sun warming us & ground. We had to find/orgaise some spring jackets & shoes for all.
    Also the tyres for the car.
    Four months now without Noah...
    I am sure this dream was the sign, that you will not join him soon. Noah is happy, this is bringing kind of relief.
    I pray for his happiness in heaven.
    All my thoughts with you, Alex

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  22. I read this yesterday and was so choked up, I could not respond. I was reading it as I watched Nonie and Isaac run and play in the sun. I realize how fortunate I am so many times per day now. I look into their eyes and think of the many times you and Veronique probably did the exact same thing. I cherish them each moment now...yes, I still get angry, but it is mostly cut short these days with thoughts of Noah and the sweet words his mother recounted for us. They just want love, they just want hugs, they just want to hear our heart beat. Through you and Veronique and your generous sharing, we have learned to want the same of them, and minimize and allow more room for behavior. Love and prayers to you and yours........... very sincerely.......sherri

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  23. Wow that's amazing. What a wonderful sign from your grandson. I still pray for you and your family daily.

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  24. How wonderful to have him give you such hope. I am praying for you and sending you hugs!

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  25. Such a beautiful, if bittersweet dream. I'm glad it comforted you, glad that you were able to see Noah again, even if it was only for a very short while. He brought hope, and really, that's such a wonderful thing to give to someone.

    Many hugs (as always)

    Kim

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  26. With all the news about the gun control efforts - and now the bombings in Boston - I was thinking of you again.
    I'm very glad to hear about your positive dream. When I was still living in Germany as a psychotherapist, I spezialized in working with dreams, and your hopeful interpretation is definitely a very good sign. After my late husband passed away, I had very meaningful dreams of him, too, and they were a great comfort.
    Thanks for sharing!
    Karin

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  27. Oh my so beautiful. Tears in my eyes. Sweet sweet Noah. Glad u had a beautiful dream of him and praying that you will be ok!!! Much love.
    Lindsay

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  28. MC,

    What a wonderful dream! I am more than happy that Noah came to you, I am sure he knows how much you miss him. I can tell from the way you speak of him that you are so very heartbroken after losing him, and that you will miss him every day until you are reunited with him.

    I know, because I feel the same way about my sister. My birthday came around less than a month after she passed, and all I wanted was her back, knowing that wasnt possible. However, I was drifting off to sleep, that awkward phase when you are kinda conscious but not really, and I heard, clear as can be, "I love you". And it was her voice! She also came to me in dream, a couple months later and I chased her through a building where the family was gathered. She had her princess blanket wrapped around her and I was able to hug her, and I wanted to show the family, 'Here she is!!!' but she told me that she was only there to see me. And then I woke up. It was so bittersweet. And I sleep with that princess blanket every night.

    She died when she was nine years old. Her bowels combusted and it killed her on the way to the hospital. We didnt even know she was sick. I babysat her while my mother worked (we were 16 years apart), and she was my best friend. I have blamed myself, because I feel like I should have saved her. It will be four years next week since she has been gone, and I miss her every day that goes by. I know losing her, abd you losing Noah, are two different situations but both so sad. You go through life wondering how they would have turned out, looked like, and what they would have grown up and accomplished. It truly is heartbreaking. But
    I am thankful for the memories that I do have.....

    I think, once someone is in heaven all that surrounds them is happiness. They may miss their family, but they are surrounded by joy and God. There is no room for anything else. I imagine Noah,my sister, and all his little friends happy and playing, laughing, and being silly.

    I dont personally know you, but you seem like a strong, and tough woman. You have more than just hope, you have all of our prayers and love and you WILL kick cancers butt!
    Hugs,
    Amy C in Mi

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  29. Hi Farine, I also think about Noah all the time and the more i think about him the better i feel, i know hes in a better place now, i have saved in my computer most of his pictures,looking at them it has became like a therapy for me to forget about his lost.. I also going to pray for you so you can beat the cancer..

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  30. MC,

    Every couple of days I check your site to see if you have posted. This morning I read it and like so many times I took a deep breath and burst into tears. But today these tears were from a gamut of emotions. Sadness for your loss of Noah, shock and worry at your diagnosis and the MOST important, JOY for your opportunity to see Noah happy again and for his beautiful message to you. How incredible that he could put your mind at ease.

    MC, I am firmly convinced that your job in this world is not yet done. Your gift is far too valuable right now, right here. My heart is with you.

    There was a study done years ago comparing people who were prayed for vs. people who were not. Those who were prayed for did better. I have no doubt you will do well because we are all praying for you. You have made a difference in all of our lives and now, we will make a difference in yours.

    I choose love. I choose peace.

    Lisa Harper

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    Replies
    1. Amen. Even with the background check vote...

      Peace and Love,

      Eric
      Burke VA

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    2. Amen. Even with the background check vote...

      Peace and Love,

      Eric
      Burke VA

      Delete
    3. Amen.

      Peace and Love,

      Eric
      Burke VA

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  31. I have no words only that I love you your family and Noah...its not much.

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  32. I recently came across this article and thought of you. WIsh you the very best.
    http://gerson.org/gerpress/ritas-story-how-im-healing-breast-cancer-holistically/

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  33. My thoughts are with you and your family MC ...

    Get well!

    All the very best,
    Phil

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  34. My thoughts are with you and your family MC ...

    Get Well!

    All the very best,
    Phil

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  35. Still remembering.
    Still hurting.
    Still praying.
    Still loving.

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    Replies
    1. I totally agree with this post.
      my prayers are with you and your family.

      love and hugs

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  36. Take care MC. My wife went through the "journey" and came out the other side of it, kicking harder than ever. Look into medicinal mushrooms and breast cancer. Paul Stamets has some interesting things to say about it.

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  37. I know Noah was letting you know that he is happy and that you needn't worry about joining him too soon. Positive thoughts are being sent you way.

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  38. Noah sending signs again! I am sending positive thoughts your way.

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  39. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151350090971722&set=a.10150307536376722.331374.7210086721&type=1&ref=nf
    I found this today: This is a message of hope. It is from a breast cancer site, but it shows how we feel for you and your family, as well, so it has two meanings.

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  40. Sending love and praying that your journey is going well.
    Still loving....

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  41. MC,

    Yesterday morning, Sunday, I was lying in bed and my son, who is 3 1/2, came in very early. I did not feel well so I had him come up and lay down with us. I scooted over closer to my wife and had him on the side of the bed. In prior posts, I have said how much Noah reminds me of him, in looks and personality. I was laying there and he kept watching me and rubbing my hair and face, just being cuddly with his daddy. Well, I was about half out of it as I was still sleepy and not feeling well. Then I started having a feeling that Noah was there with us. I don't remember what, if anything, he did or said. All I remember is that his presence gave me a great sense of peace. Then he was gone and I could not, for the life of me, remember anything other than he was there.

    I still think about and pray for Noah and the 25 others every single day.

    God Bless all.

    Peace and Love,

    Eric
    Burke VA

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  42. We miss you, MC.

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