Thursday, June 13, 2013

Dear little Noah...

It's been a long time since I last wrote to you. Almost six months, to be exact. My last letter was put in your casket on the day of your funeral. I remember tearing pages off a notebook, putting pen to paper, feeling the words pour out in painful gushes, then rolling the pages in a tight cylinder and tying them with a piece of ribbon that had last been used around a present, possibly for your sixth birthday the month before. I made sure the ribbon ends curled gently upward, soft and almost weightless, like wings. The wings your mom said you dreamed of having...
Since then many things have happened that we won't talk about because you are still a little boy.  Only six and a half. Sometimes when I see you in my mind, you are older though. Seven or eight maybe. I don't know why. Maybe because time doesn't work where you are the way it works on earth. Each time I make a conscious effort to bring you back to the same age as your twin sister or your cousins. Four grandchildren born within less than six months of each other. One in the middle of the country, two in the Northeast and one in the West. Because of the distance and work and the cost of airfare, you guys didn't get to spend a lot of time together but we all knew that one day you'd make a fantastic foursome, if only at family reunions...
Some say you have to have lived with someone to really feel the absence and mourn the loss. It may be true of some people. I don't know. What I do know is that, wherever they live, my grandchildren are woven into who I am and there is a Noah-shaped hole in the fabric of my soul where you used to be. That hole will never be patched.
I have seen you several times in my dreams since that fateful day in December and each time you were laughing and running around, as full of life as ever. As if you had transfered all your energy into the new you and were still the same. It makes me glad. But I still grieve for you and for all you have lost. I wish you could have your old life back. I wish we could all still have you.
Last summer we read about Lewis and Clark and how they crossed the country from the Midwest to where we live now. Your eyes went wide as we talked about grizzlies, cougars, rushing waters, deep snow, powerful chiefs and fortified camps.
This year since we have just been to San Antonio, Texas, we would have talked about Davy Crockett and the Alamo and I would have told you how the ranger asked me to remove my sunhat as a sign of respect when we entered the shrine and I said that I would if he insisted but that in the old days women were actually expected to keep their heads covered in church, how he replied that he didn't know and was thankful for the information and asked me to please keep my hat on then. I am sure you would have liked that story.
My phone and my computer are full of pictures. Seeing your happy little face popping up all over my screens, I can't accept that you are no longer of this world. I just can't.
So I want you to know that I remember. Six months ago tomorrow morning, you were already gone when I woke up. I didn't know that. None of us did. I did not feel anything amiss as I brewed coffee and skimmed through the daily paper. Then the phone rang and our world shifted.
Who could have predicted this? Noah, I am so sorry! So, so sorry! The grown-up world has failed you horribly and still does. How can people not understand that, yes, guns don't kill, but if your killer hadn't had a gun, you might still be alive...
Please come back and visit in my dreams. I'll show you the raspberry bushes, the baby tomatoes and the budding pears and we will fill the feeder for the hummingbirds and watch for butterflies. I'll tell you about small birds ganging up on hawks to chase them away from their nests and bald eagles sitting on lampposts and staring at us as we cross the bridge for my daily treatments. I will tell you about the beaver dam we saw yesterday and the warning signs about bears and cougars. I can't wait to have you over...
Please come back.

34 comments:

  1. Love and rememberance. My heart aches.

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  2. This is such a beautiful letter to little Noah. I am so very sorry for your loss. He was an adorable little boy & he always looked so happy & energetic in his pictures. He just looked like he was enjoying life & having a great time. I think about him every day & pray that you & your family will become stronger. Thank you for the notes you have posted - I enjoy reading them.

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  3. We remember and will never forget. Thank you.

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  4. Beautiful, heartwrenching letter. I have not and will not forget.

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  5. Gentle joy and deep sorrow. Many hugs from me.

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  6. Dear Mc,
    I looked forward to this letter. It has been 6 months now I 'know' you and your familly. Yesterday I looked at the calendar and I thaught what could I do to turn back the clock. What could have been done to prevent this little, inocent children from the crazy world around.
    I live in Mid Europe, so it's 6 hours earlier than NY.
    I also miss Noah, hovewer I never knew him, I never met him but he so much resembles my own son. He was born in Feb 2006. Same age, same sparkles in his eyes, funny faces, many things to discover.
    Still looking for a chcnce to do somenthig stupid to his older sister and give a kiss/hug to me.
    And I am sure I do not imagine the pain you all feel about Noah's death. The pain that Veronique feels.
    My heart is also broken, dispite I did not kow Noah and any of his classmates.
    He was not badly sick, he was not hit by the car on the street. He and all his classmates & teachers did not deserve what has happened to them. They all did not.
    I live in a country where posesing gun (any) needs special allowance.
    And almost no one has it, however crime happens everywhere. But I am so happy that my neighbours ARE NOT ALLOWED TO KEEP GUN AT HOME.
    Dear Noah,
    Every day I look at your happy face. I have my favourite photo of yours on my desktop next to my children.
    I am a stranger to you, but I feel as if I knew you well. I hope this six months in heaven has passed like a second. And during this second you did not manage to mis your mum, dad, Arielle, Sophia, Danielle, your grannie and others much. Please be close to them, just soar over. There is so many things they miss to share with you.
    I hope you enjoy your new posibilities in heaven. However I wish that you now sleep in your bed, dreaming of nice friday at school. So much I dream about it.
    Every day I also pray for your forgivness to us - stupid adults.
    I hope that specially today you feel love comming up from earth to you & your friends and that you can somehow enjoy it no matter where you are.
    I wish that your absence were only caused by a school trip with your classmates. And you will soon come back home.
    I wish I could tell you 'Dear Noah, have a nice day today'!
    Always yours, Alex

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  7. Beautiful letter! xoxo

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  8. A person dies only when the last thought of this person has passed. Your Noah will never die.
    I have read all your entries on this page an some tears run over my skin.
    I wish you all strength needed.

    Greetings from Germany

    P.S.: Sorry for my english if its wrong.

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    1. I love how you said "A person dies only when the last thought of this person has passed" so true. Liz

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  9. Your story brought tears to my eyes. This all was so senseless...I don't know Noah and the other angels personally, but I would give anything to have them back and heal the loved ones they had to leave behind :(. Love, Angel

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  10. I knew there would be a post here today, and there you were.

    Thinking of you on this somber day, the rain is falling here in the Boston area. As countless tears. It is true, we as a society failed to all those young kids and adults who died a stupid death, on Dec 14th, 2012

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  11. Oh MC, how this letter breaks my heart. I wish I could offer words of comfort but there isn't anything I can say that will bring your sweet Noah back. So I just want you to know, I am thinking about you and sending my love, thoughts, and prayers your way. Not just today, but everyday.

    I hope Noah wraps his arms around you in the next dream. He is not gone from this world completely- you carry a piece of him in your heart.
    Hugs,
    Amy

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    1. MC,

      I hope you are doing well. Thinking of you and your health issues,and, of course, your family, and Noah.

      :) Sending good thoughts your way.
      Amy

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    2. MC,

      Thinking of you, your health, your family, and of course, Noah.
      Hope you are staying strong and not too sick from the treatments.

      Sending prayers and hugs your way!
      Amy

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  12. Dear litter Noah, I am so, so, so, sorry. I don't know what happens to us when we leave this world but I know that no one will ever hurt you again. I will never forget you. I see you every time I look at my little boy. I will continue to pray for your family. Love Always, HM

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  13. Je pleure une fois de plus en pensant a Noah, a ses parents, a vous, aux autres... je ne sais quoi faire, je signe des pétitions, appelle mon représentant, mais je ne peux pas comprendre, comme vous, pourquoi les gens ne comprennent pas. Pourquoi continuer a vendre des armes si facilement ?
    Je vois Noah chaque fois que j'embrasse mes enfants le soir, mes enfants qui sont juste un an de plus et un an de moins que lui. Je pense a votre fille qui ne peut plus l'embrasser, a tous ces parents qui ne peuvent plus embrasser leurs bébés. Je vous envoie toutes mes pensées et toute la force possible.

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  14. Dear MC,
    You're words are beautiful and heartbreaking. Asking him to come back just brought me to tears. I wish that you and your extended family can find peace, as that is what Noah would want. I think of Noah each day and am saddened by the fact that we as a society continue to fail those teachers and children. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Liz

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  15. Dear MC,

    How hard it is to believe six months have passed already. Your letter to Noah brought me to tears and I wish more than anything I could bring them all back, or somehow turn back the hands of time and prevent it from ever happening. I don't know how you all find the strength to go on.

    Your letter is beautiful and I hope Noah comes to visit you soon - I'm sure he will have so much to tell you...

    Many, many hugs to you and your family.

    Kim

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  16. MC,
    I think of Noah, you, Veronique and the children often....I thought of you all day yesterday and into the evening, I was doing dishes wishing there was a way to reach out to you on another very difficult milestone in this journey. On the other hand, I know you do not know me and I do not want to disturb your time so I waited for the entry I knew would come today.

    I am at work at my computer crying as I read your words, your wishes and your regrets. As all others, you included I wish there was a way to change it. There is not. Hopefully the people of this country will wake up one day and change it for the future of others.

    I should look forward to my twins starting school, but I honestly do not. I live in Oklahoma and we recently lost some children "safe in their school" due to a tornado. I fear for my kids but must move past it, nothing like what you must do.

    I have many words, but no words adequate. I don't know you but pray for you and your family often and think of you even more...........with love........sherri

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  17. Yesterday I realized that today would be Friday the 14th again. It's hard to believe it's been six months but I still haven't forgotten Noah or your family. I've seen that there is additional turmoil in the family and it really breaks my heart. You've all been through enough. I don't think you have to have lived with someone to mourn their absence and feel a tremendous loss. My children have a very special bond with their grandparents who all live out of state. Just as my relationship with my children is unique, their relationships with others in the family are as well. I keep praying for your family. Every single one of you. I didn't know Noah but I am certain he wishes for peace and love. ♥

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  19. MC,

    All I have is my prayers to you, Veronique and the rest your family. My heart is aching with yours.

    Many hugs.

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  20. MC,

    I found myself thinking of Noah last week, as well as the other precious souls that we lost on that day. It was my 5 year old's last day of school, and we're all very excited for summer. But, I couldn't help but think of those little ones who didn't have that last day and summer this year - and it just made my heart ache. Continuing to keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers!

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  21. Noah was born with the bluest of eyes and the goldest of hearts...much love being sent to you today, MC.
    Many hugs,
    Erin G.

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  22. Bless you MC. Your words, as always, have brought me to tears. Every Friday at 930 I stop and think about those beautiful Children. I will never ever get over what happened to them. It doesn't get any better for me and I didn't know them so I know it isn't getting any better for you. I hope Noah visits you and Veronique often in your dreams so even in that transient space you can be with him again.

    With kindness and love,

    Lisa

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  23. I started today with MC and will end it this way as well. Today is my middle daughter's 18th birthday (yes middle child, I have much in common with Veronique), as I wind up this momentous day, I am shockingly grateful that my amazing daughter has this day to celebrate. On the other hand, as I sit here winding up this day, I hear my twins Nonie and Isaac bouncing around in their room..... part of me was about to tell them to settle down and go to sleep, but instead, I find myself laying in the floor of their room enjoying the noise and silliness! This day and each day, we must thank God for our children! Love to you MC............goodnight.....sherri

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  24. Thank you so much for sharing MC...

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  25. MC, I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. Noah such a beautiful child is always with u because he is a part of u. Everynight you probably close your eyes hoping for a visit from Noah in hour dreams, i believe he is with you always.

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  26. I re-read your letter today and again was brought to tears. Your words are so powerful. I do miss Noah and feel some of the pain you and your family must feel because of them.

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  27. The anguish is palpable. #LoveForNoah

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  28. Stopping by to say hello, and to honor your words and memories of your sweet Noah. I wish you only the best.

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  29. Noah's picture is on my computer screen and I pray for Noah everyday.

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  30. beautiful letter for beautiful Noah, bless you MC

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