Saturday, September 14, 2013

Nine months

Nine... That's how many months we waited for Noah and his twin sister to be born. I remember the anxious first weeks, the ultrasound pictures, the eager waltz of baby names, the tiny socks, the pink and blue onesies, the matching cribs, the car seats, the little bottles. I remember the impatience. I remember the awe and the delight when we finally saw them. Peas in a pod. Strikingly alike and yet so different...
Nine months ago today, Noah was violently taken from us. Time has gone full circle, abolishing the future: nine months of light, nine months of darkness, and inside the circle, bound tight as if with barbed wire, the six years he was allowed to live.
Pictures no longer offer much solace: they hold him forever motionless in frozen slices of Time while we move inexorably forward.
Six years is indeed all Noah ever had. I have fought this fact for close to nine months and part of me still wants to keep blinders over my eyes and conjure up a world where the Sandy Hook shooting never happened. But another part is beginning to acknowledge that it did happen, that Noah was in that school on that fateful day and that we lost him.
And it is as if a door was opening in my mind. Through that door, a little boy appears. He has grown. He still has the familiar shock of dark glossy hair but there is a gap in his front teeth. He looks more like a seven-year old than the six-year old he was when I last saw him. And I am coming to understand that denial is like the cast that is still imprisoning my wrist. It offers essential protection but at some point it must be discarded or atrophy sets in. Although I still struggle with acceptance, something is shifting.
Noah lives on because love doesn't end at death. He is no longer of this world but in my mind he is still growing. That's what kids do after all. Maybe a day will come when I'll settle for that.







23 comments:

  1. Noah jumped and ran through my heart today. Dear MC. Dear Veonique.

    What you write expresses how you feel so eloquently. And it must be just a fraction of your thoughts, emotions and dreams. We are privileged to be allowed to witness this part of you and part of that love. More prayers for Noah, more smiles and sunshine going to him from us here.
    Keep watching for the signs. He'll move forward with you.
    Julia x

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  2. Thank you MC for your eloquent expression of your grief and feelings. I remember one of your previous posts, in which you talked about how your mother's last thoughts were of a long deceased child. Veronique will go through life, with Noah tucked away in her mind, but ever present. This is the nature of love, that our loved ones never really leave us.

    With every good wish to you and your family,

    Best,

    Eileen

    p.s., I will be checking out the trees planted in Central Park in Noah's honor or name. I have to find out their location.

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  3. My thoughts are with you.

    Wish I had more to say, but once again, words simply fail me

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  4. MC,
    I was sitting here on my computer and realized the date. I knew you would post something, and as usual it is so well written and heartfelt. I think the idea that his pictures can no longer offer you comfort got to me the most as I cannot not imagine how difficult it is to know that time is moving forward and Noah and the others are not. They are captured forever as 6 year olds. I continue to wish for nothing but the best for you and your family. I hope you are in good health and please know that you are in my thoughts. Liz

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  5. Im sorry for the loss of your beautiful Noah. I wish Sandy Hook had never happened. Noah lives on through your love.

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  6. I continue to think of Noah every day. Some days, it still takes my breath away to remember he's no longer among us when I see pictures of him. I so wish Sandy Hook had never happened.

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  7. Hi MC,
    When I read this article yesterday (http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/09/13/221043643/treating-kids-cancer-with-science-and-a-pocket-full-of-hope) I thought of you and your family when reading about one of the children (Hayden).

    Today I checked in here and found another one of your eloquently written Noah remembrances.

    While the situations differ hugely from Noah's death to the children in the article I felt compelled to send the link on to you for some reason…not sure why. I know I don't need to always know 'why' so I am just sending it despite my doubts about why on earth I should or even why the article made me think of you and Noah…

    Take Care,
    Janet

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  8. You memorialize Noah's life so beautifly.
    Love to you and the family...

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  9. Your love for him is very evident, and I can understand the pain that comes with seeing his pictures. Words will never be enough to take away the pain you are obviously in, but know that I am praying for continued healing for you and your family. Many of us still have not let Sandy Hook fade in the recesses of our minds, but have let it remain vivid, that we may not forget.

    Psalm 55:22 “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”

    Matthew 19:14: "Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

    Romans 8:18-19: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed."

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    Replies
    1. Nice verses Joel, we can all take solace in the one who knows everything we don't understand.

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  10. Ha ragione Signora MC...è proprio così... l'amore non finisce con la morte ...i nostri bambini vivranno nei nostri cuori fino all'ultimo battito lieve.
    Dall'Italia sempre con affetto. Fedra

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  11. Love and prayers to you MC, on each and every day; especially the difficult time markers. If you ever would like me to pray specifically for something, let me know.

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  12. Oh MC I read your posts and I begin to cry...I love him and your family...nothing I say can ever do anything I just pray that he is there holding your hand as you write to the world what he meant and what he still means... XO

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  13. Dear MC,

    This is one of the most poignant writings yet. It is also one of the most precious pictures that I have ever seen.

    It is a shame that we, as a society, let such innocence be taken from us.

    I pray for the 26 Newtown Angels every day...still.

    Peace and Love,

    God Bless.

    Eric

    Burke VA

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  14. My heart aches a little every day when I send my own first grader to elementary school in a CT town not far from Noah's. I think of you and your family, and of all the other families whose lives were forever changed one December morning. I hope that time helps make it all less painful. Be assured that time will not make us forget. Please know that so many people whom you never even met still care deeply, think of your precious grandson and his friends and teachers every day, and send you and your family heartfelt love and support.

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  15. It's so hard and there is no comfort I can give but the hug of a friend who cares...

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  16. There hasn't been a single day that little Noah, and the rest of your family hasn't been in my thoughts. I feel like I know your family on some level through your beautifully written blogs. I pray that one day the heaviness in your heart lightens. God bless all of you.

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  17. There hasn't been a single day that little Noah and the rest of your family haven't been in my thoughts. I feel like I know your family on some level because of your beautifully written blogs. I pray that one day the heaviness in your heart lightens. God bless all of you.

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  18. I think of Noah often. My heart still aches for your family as well as the others. I will never forget his adorable little face, and those beautiful eyes. I know one day I'll meet this sweet boy in heaven. God Bless you, and thank you for sharing your blog. Kati in MA

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  19. Your beautiful Noah is in my daily thoughts and prayers, I think of him and your family every time I hug and kiss my sons. I wish I had some words of wisdom, as I hold back tears, I can't even imagine your pain. I hope it helps to know people are praying for you everyday.

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  20. The amount of times I wish Noah had not been at school that day, been sick and stayed home or something, anything, that is had just never even happened, I wish this for all the victims at the school that day. Life can be so unfair, what you read is so beautiful Farine, yet so touchingly sad too. Bless you and all Noah's family, it must be so hard for his parents and siblings.

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  21. Every time I think of Noah, I wish he'd never been at school that day, that he'd been sick and stayed at home or something, or that the school had just been closed that day. I think this when I think of all the victims that died there that day. Life is so unfair, it must be so very hard for Noah's family, especially his parents, and siblings. Bless you all Noah's family, wish I could bring him back to you and make you all a big happy family again, filling that missing void x

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